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Time to use LJ for it's non-social, intended purpose. Readers beware.

Some things I've learned directly or indirectly.

Why do I do this? What part of me is responsible for this? No idea. I've been cringing when I see others not follow these rules. Cringing a LOT.

Life is precarious. It's when I'm writing this that I remind myself of how good I've got it. This won't last. Everyone gets their bads with goods. I've had both, and "nothing lasts forever" isn't just a curse, it's an assurance. A comfort even. But. I've had some _BAD_ times ... is this an upswing or a downswing?

These are all things I'm doing to make those around me feel better about themselves.

Shit. I can't write this out. It's based on my experiences, people who might read this. I'm not going to screen it. I'm just a coward, so caught up with trying to earn respect on peoples own terms.. that I'm losing the substance that makes up mine. Everything I do that's seen by anyone else is based off it. There's my inner desire, and then there's my politically correct actual response. The two really are separate. But when someone says they really like me, I like that. I wanna be that which they like. More. It's acceptance.

Employment. I want my friends to have the jobs they want. Not all of them do. I can't discuss either without guarding myself. Throwing up this wall of .. ambiguity. The... "not wanting to brag" ... well actually I _DO_ want to brag. I just want my friends to be able to brag too. I wanna saystuff.. and have them be happy. And relate.

Sex. Same thing. Same damn thing. Noones happy with their sex lives. I used to bitch incessantly about the depression from mine. Not much has changed, I don't think. Yet. I can't find much to bitch about it now. WTF? It's all a matter of perspective. Mines changed. That's all. So what do people really want? The sex? Or the change in perspective?

Physical appearance. Same thing. I'm not a model. But I'm not complaining. I've got some grey hairs- I dye it. I've got some vanity-- I watch what I eat. I like tight clothing. I think it looks cool.

Money. Isn't it enough that I put the majority of the credit for the effort at Galens feet? Hell no. Fuck .. I'd love to be able to afford a Porsche, and to have the money to track the hell out of it. I don't. Even if I did, how could I have fun?

I get more fun when my friends have fun. There's this line between fun-for-self and fun-for-others. It fluctuates wildly.

For example .. I want to wear a collar in public. But I don't wanna make people uncomfortable. Ok. Easy enough. What about when someone has little kids hanging around? How could I hide or explain it? Waffle. Waffle. So sometimes I wear one. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I see myself caring "too much" .. and I do. Then other times I see myself being oblivious. So I don't. I loathe having to draw this line. It's not that I want to avoid the responsibility. It's just.. that I wanna A. Have fun and B. Not piss everyone off.

Wolves. Fuck. Ohwell. Fun fun.

What's next? I'm 28. What's the next big life lesson? What's the next mode change? Realization, epiphany? Is anyone out there?


It'd all be easier if I was like everyone, or everyone was like me. So much more easy. Oh. An attempt to draw a universal truth. Regardless of perspective, I'm not like everyone else. This creates challenges. Which I probably don't even notice. Point? None. Blah. Heh.

When comparing experiences it's when people do notice that I find cause for alarm. So. Comparison of perspective = alarm. Joy. Depression. All that. So do society's exist to promote or deter? That implies a pre-created purpose. Which if there isn't one I'm just drawing something out.

Want people to be happy. I know of a way. But we're not there yet. It might not even work. I'm not God, wtf do I even try?

It's times like this that I hide behind all that wolf "stuff" ... I'm immune to it. I just want to be simple. I just want a pack. Etc. Convenient isn't it? Truth or excuse? Deny responsibility except when it gains, deny humanity except when I'm to benefit from it.

How did I become this way?

And to think some have called me closed minded. Hah! *arrogance* *feel good* ... then again.. what is open, really?

- Keman


( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 24th, 2005 09:09 pm (UTC)
One cost of opposable thumbs and huge expensive brains is the social order needed to make them useful. We evolved from complex ape social structures and that's still with us to this day, though in slightly more sedate forms.

Simple aint gonna happen.
(Deleted comment)
Jun. 25th, 2005 12:41 am (UTC)
I think the point, dogcandy (if that is your real name...) is that he wants to be able to wear a collar in public. Not that he wants to show off to people who will not like/understand the display, but that he wants to do what he enjoys doing, without people caring.

Like, you can wear a hat in public, and nobody gives it a second thought.
(Deleted comment)
Jun. 25th, 2005 03:39 am (UTC)
ya know, I need to say, I'm fairly on the conservative side, but that said, I pretty much agree with the above. If you do something that isn't socially comfortable, it's you, not "the rest of society," that's going to be the one ostracised. This leaves you with three options:

1) Do it anyway, and give society the metaphorical finger, respect be damned. Don't be surprised when they don't show you respect either.
2) Respect society and recognize there are certain times you "just don't do certain things" within our current social constructs.
3) Try to convince society that there's nothing wrong with it, maybe wear a collar, but with a button-down collar shirt that conceals some of it, and generally act very carefully to be sure you convey an appropriate social message for your location. Or change your location to one in which it IS appropriate.
Jun. 25th, 2005 12:51 am (UTC)
wear a collar in public, people think you're goth or a freak (or both). Wear a hat in public, people think you're normal. People treat you differently if you wear a collar publicly. He's noticed this, and I've noticed this, and it's not a wonderful thing to realize.
(Deleted comment)
Jun. 25th, 2005 01:17 pm (UTC)
*wears a Carmen Burina hat to the store*
Jun. 25th, 2005 12:49 am (UTC)
Deny humaninty except when you're to benefit from it... use the tools that whatever creator gave you, for your own benefit. Your concept of your own benefit includes those who you care about, and you care about your friends.

if they're not happy, you're not happy, because you feel out of place in a situation like that. You want to be able to share your happiness, not necessarily 'gloat', but you want to be able to share it and express it without having to feel guilty for rubbing it in the face of anyone who is less well-off than you.

Simplicity can't happen, because there's nowhere to run wild. There's nowhere to give into our natures, our bases, living in a state of purity with our minds and emotions.

That's what sucks the most -- to want simplicity. to want what others want, to have others want what you want, without having to build consensus or do much of anything. Packs that get too large squabble amongst themselves -- no reason to want to be anything other than what you are. (and what you are is... whatever you are. lupine, hominid, inside and out. That's the most important part -- you try to get people to be happy because that's what makes you happy, even if you aren't God. Even if it doesn't work, the work and the vision makes you happy.

and I'm probably not making much sense. Catch you later, or sooner, or something at some point.
Jun. 25th, 2005 01:15 am (UTC)
Sad to say, but ask greytail about going out in public (and to school) with a collar on. :P
Jun. 26th, 2005 02:50 am (UTC)

You could always be like me. Hated.

I do what I want, say what I want, and don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks, unless it's a close friend. You live life once, then that's it. There is no do-overs or second chances. Want to wear a collar? Do it. Want to wear hotpants? Go for it.

That's probably what some people look for in a friend. Confidence to do things like that.
Jun. 26th, 2005 06:41 am (UTC)
I look for an awareness of ones surroundings as a quality attribute.

We don't operate in a vacuum.

You can enjoy your do-what-you-want attitude but in this world, a cruel one, you will find that if you inspire people to fuck with you, they will. And you'll find that OFTEN there is no recourse. You wear a collar, the guy who hates it next door keys the fuck out of your car when noone is around to see it. Now he doesn't mind you wearing it. He feels good every time he sees you in it, because he can just smile to himself knowing that your frustration at seeing that someone has vandalized your car is more funny than what you wear bothering him. This stuff all happens all the time.

On another note .. some people look for friends that wear nice looking shoes. And they respect them because of how they dress. And they respect them because they've dressed their car up to look like something isn't. Type R stickers. All that.

Back to what I value in someone. I value the core beliefs. This is what is known as being "deep" ... as opposed to "shallow" ...

- Keman
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )


Galen Wolffit

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