Some things I've learned directly or indirectly.
Why do I do this? What part of me is responsible for this? No idea. I've been cringing when I see others not follow these rules. Cringing a LOT.
Life is precarious. It's when I'm writing this that I remind myself of how good I've got it. This won't last. Everyone gets their bads with goods. I've had both, and "nothing lasts forever" isn't just a curse, it's an assurance. A comfort even. But. I've had some _BAD_ times ... is this an upswing or a downswing?
These are all things I'm doing to make those around me feel better about themselves.
Shit. I can't write this out. It's based on my experiences, people who might read this. I'm not going to screen it. I'm just a coward, so caught up with trying to earn respect on peoples own terms.. that I'm losing the substance that makes up mine. Everything I do that's seen by anyone else is based off it. There's my inner desire, and then there's my politically correct
Employment. I want my friends to have the jobs they want. Not all of them do. I can't discuss either without guarding myself. Throwing up this wall of .. ambiguity. The... "not wanting to brag" ... well actually I _DO_ want to brag. I just want my friends to be able to brag too. I wanna saystuff.. and have them be happy. And relate.
Sex. Same thing. Same damn thing. Noones happy with their sex lives. I used to bitch incessantly about the depression from mine. Not much has changed, I don't think. Yet. I can't find much to bitch about it now. WTF? It's all a matter of perspective. Mines changed. That's all. So what do people really want? The sex? Or the change in perspective?
Physical appearance. Same thing. I'm not a model. But I'm not complaining. I've got some grey hairs- I dye it. I've got some vanity-- I watch what I eat. I like tight clothing. I think it looks cool.
Money. Isn't it enough that I put the majority of the credit for the effort at Galens feet? Hell no. Fuck .. I'd love to be able to afford a Porsche, and to have the money to track the hell out of it. I don't. Even if I did, how could I have fun?
I get more fun when my friends have fun. There's this line between fun-for-self and fun-for-others. It fluctuates wildly.
For example .. I want to wear a collar in public. But I don't wanna make people uncomfortable. Ok. Easy enough. What about when someone has little kids hanging around? How could I hide or explain it? Waffle. Waffle. So sometimes I wear one. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I see myself caring "too much" .. and I do. Then other times I see myself being oblivious. So I don't. I loathe having to draw this line. It's not that I want to avoid the responsibility. It's just.. that I wanna A. Have fun and B. Not piss everyone off.
Wolves. Fuck. Ohwell. Fun fun.
What's next? I'm 28. What's the next big life lesson? What's the next mode change? Realization, epiphany? Is anyone out there?
It'd all be easier if I was like everyone, or everyone was like me. So much more easy. Oh. An attempt to draw a universal truth. Regardless of perspective, I'm not like everyone else. This creates challenges. Which I probably don't even notice. Point? None. Blah. Heh.
When comparing experiences it's when people do notice that I find cause for alarm. So. Comparison of perspective = alarm. Joy. Depression. All that. So do society's exist to promote or deter? That implies a pre-created purpose. Which if there isn't one I'm just drawing something out.
Want people to be happy. I know of a way. But we're not there yet. It might not even work. I'm not God, wtf do I even try?
It's times like this that I hide behind all that wolf "stuff" ... I'm immune to it. I just want to be simple. I just want a pack. Etc. Convenient isn't it? Truth or excuse? Deny responsibility except when it gains, deny humanity except when I'm to benefit from it.
How did I become this way?
And to think some have called me closed minded. Hah! *arrogance* *feel good* ... then again.. what is open, really?