What was I doing a year ago? Turning wrenches for a living, wondering why I'm feeling like I'm stuck in some landing pattern just like they always talk about on tv. Wondering what if I'm making a bad decision, wondering if I'm just going to dissapoint yet-another amazing human that I've met. Some parts of me wondered if I was some demon spawned from hell, merely here to lure unlucky victims only to shatter their hearts with true innocence on my behalf.
But then.. there was that feeling I'd get when I was around Galen. I -did- want to talk to him again. I -did- crave being around him. He -did- understand me. I even too far on accident one time, spilling my guts to him about my most private of secrets. I can't forget the day I woke up after that. Leaning against the shower wall, wondering what the fuck I had done, convinced that anything between us was scattered to ruins. Yet he took it in stride. Well now. You know it means a lot when you can trust someone? It means even more when you can trust someone because there's nothing they don't know about you and they still want to walk by your side. Who'd have ever thought that I would trust someone so completely when I've lectured time and time again how much I never would?
I've been in a long term relationship before. I'm lucky, it lasted a while, over 5 years. I made some mistakes in it. And I learned a lot. I don't want to have to go through that process again-- I'm not the type that wants to relive his youth even if I could make different decisions. Well, tossing 10 grand into a no-name company with a laughable url -- http://www.yahoo.com - ok, that I would do.
But beyond that... I wouldn't want to do anything different. Any choice I made might take me farther away from the possibility of meeting Galen for the first time. To be honest that almost feels a little bit like a form of hell that could exist. Me being tossed back in time, trying to scrabble my way back to where I'm at today. Half the journey would be realizing that the goal was not attainable. Because if I had knowledge of what really went on ... how could I hold it back from Galen when we did finally meet? "Hi you don't know me but we eventually married in another parallel universe. I know everything about you. Your weaknesses, your strengths. I've got a few million bucks, here want to grow old with me?"
So instead I'd just bide my time, strike it rich by forecasting the rise and fall of various tech companys I've seen on the stock market, watching my would-be friends from a distance. Perhaps throwing a bone their way when I could, but never revealing my identity. It would be a sad, crushing, pitiful life.
So. I'll take what I've got and be glad I'm not the one setting my destiny. I'm just here to have fun, and with it.. I can bring some fun into Galen's life. May we hunt our goals both together forever.