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It's difficult to put into words just how I feel at the moment. Terms like "fucked up" and "irritable" don't suffice. No, put your brain in a blender for a few mintues and that's how I feel. Almost hungover. Almost sick. Almost tired. Almost exhausted. Almost everything, but not quite.
Basically Wellbutrin has fscked me up good over the years that I've been taking it. I used to speak highly of it, now I don't recommend it at all. It's tough for me to want to recommend any drug at this point.
Wellbutrin is an SDRI. Some people may be familiar with drugs like Prozac, which are an SSRI. SSRI stands for Selective Seretonin Reuptake Inhibitor. Picture seretonin as a happy chemical in your brain. You make it, and break it down. If you choke off the breaking down process or the "re-uptake", more of it lingers and your mood can be more happy. SDRI stands for Selective Dopamine Reuptake Inhibitor. It's like Prozac, but works primarily with Dopamine instead of Seretonin. Seretonin can kill your sex drive or your ability to reach climax. Dopamine can actually increase both, and Wellbutrin is specifically prescribed to people who have an inability to reach orgasm. I never had a problem in that department, and the "added boost" was always certainly welcome.

Where am I going with all this? Side effects. Over time, my dopamine receptors have adapted a little bit, compensating for all the excess dopamine floating around.

I'm not on wellbutrin now. There is no excess dopamine. So .. now there is a shortage.

The mind adapts, and fixes itself though. This is only temporary. Hopefully. Every day has been a little worse than the last though. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I get glimpses of what I used to feel like, and the fun that I used to have. Like little mood swings into the positive.
Last night was basically my first nightmare. It was a waking dream, of sorts. All I could think of was iritation, annoyance. Galen sleeping next to me was more than I could handle, so after about 5 hours of not sleeping, I got up and slept in the other room. I don't remember much else, I know I had a discussion with Galen. I don't think it made much sense.

This morning I called in sick for work. And I slept for a while.

I shoulda tapered my dose of WB off gently. Cold turkey was stupid. Chalk it up to my ignorance, and having a psychiatrist who basically doesn't care to do anything more than write the scripts that I ask for. Hey that's why I picked him. Just times like this .. I shoulda picked different.

Ohwell. Life goes on. It'll all get better over time. Hopefully Galen can stand me until it does.

It is a small victory, to not be on WB though. I must say that. It was wrecking havoc with my mood on a daily basis. Talk about fire and ice. It was pretty good for my ADD, and the antidepressant effects made life a lot more interesting. But the ... pressure.. it caused. Desperation. It was going to be my undoing. And I'm so _incredibly_ glad it is gone. That I put my neck out on the line and said "No, no more of that." ... I'd been secretly knowing I needed to do that for a long time now. I should have done it then, and not waited.

Now ... I listen to my favorite songs, and the magic in them- gone. Something which used to make me high on life, now falls flat. Fucken A this had better improve over time. This concentrated apathy needs to go away.

Keman

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
doniago
May. 23rd, 2005 10:28 pm (UTC)
(hugs)
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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wolffit
Galen Wolffit

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