They're a nice enough bunch, we're all nerdy car enthusiasts. One of them even has an S4.
Somewhere on the way back to the office the topic of "It'll be a sad, sad day when......" came up.
Surprisingly, one of my cow-orkers coined "When two homosexuals can walk down the street holding hands, and I'm not even in the gay section.. that will be a sad, sad day indeed." ...
Another piped up, saying that it was fine so long as we could make fun of them. "That's my coping mechanism. So long as I can make fun of them, I'm fine with it."
2 out of the 7 that this department are made up of are gay, both of us are closeted. It'll soon be 3 out of 8.
I've got a tough skin. I let these comments bounce off me, I hold a straight face, I ignore it.
Deep down inside, I know I shouldn't.
They don't know the half of me though, not even a fraction. It's a good job, I get paid well, and it's a good company. These guys are acting like the rest of the nation ...
I'm a coward without a pack. I can be vicious, nasty, and dominating. But society keeps me on a short leash ... this is what I've been reduced to. I'm by far outnumbered.
I don't want a part of this. People look down on me when I say I don't vote, that I don't want a part of society. Noone seems to get that I didn't pick this life, that it isn't some universal responsibility that I have to fight for what is right. Fight for respect. I'm not built for that. I'm designed for instant gratification. I'm impulsive, I hunt, I solve problems on the fly. Immediate problems with immediate answers.
Once again I'm craving for an alpha. A role model, a successor, someone to learn from and look up to.
If I had someone to look up to, I could better judge how to respond to this situation. It feels like a game of multiple choice to me, life in general. I could have stopped the car, turned around, and decked my co-worker. I could have done a million different things. Which one is right? The one that best gets me my goals? Or maybe it's the one that is the easiest? Perhaps the one that's the most fun? ....
All this goes through my mind, as I wrestle with which emotion I should feel. I can see different justifications for each path, but they're all vastly different.
I've been having to do this all my life. Choose.
Anyone who has ever roleplayed someone who was very different than themselves might have a clue of what living my life is like. There's your initial reaction, and then there's your translated reaction.
I doubt my co-workers would react well to growling, to eye contact.
And in all this, I'm brainwashing myself. I'm getting better at adapting, I'm losing the wolf that I started out being.
I sorely miss the days of being a kid. When I could run around on all fours, stick a pillow between my legs so it would wag like a tail. During the days when I could be myself, and everyone thought it was a game ... and it wasn't a game to me, because I didn't know any better. Because I didn't think I was any different than everyone else.
At about the age of puberty, the cold realization set in ... it might have set in sooner. But I can remember the thoughts pretty clearly ... and I've been 'on the run' ever since.
And.. heh. That people doubt me. Write me off. Heh. Products of their own self loathing. I know all about that ... and I know all about what it entails.
I don't have to prove anything to them. I don't have to fit their niche, I don't have to fit their labels. The respect they offer is like a candle luring a moth. You surround yourself with it and then you notice you're on fire and that it's actually hurting you.