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Was out at lunch today with my cow-orkers.

They're a nice enough bunch, we're all nerdy car enthusiasts. One of them even has an S4.

Somewhere on the way back to the office the topic of "It'll be a sad, sad day when......" came up.

Surprisingly, one of my cow-orkers coined "When two homosexuals can walk down the street holding hands, and I'm not even in the gay section.. that will be a sad, sad day indeed." ...

Another piped up, saying that it was fine so long as we could make fun of them. "That's my coping mechanism. So long as I can make fun of them, I'm fine with it."

2 out of the 7 that this department are made up of are gay, both of us are closeted. It'll soon be 3 out of 8.

I've got a tough skin. I let these comments bounce off me, I hold a straight face, I ignore it.

Deep down inside, I know I shouldn't.

They don't know the half of me though, not even a fraction. It's a good job, I get paid well, and it's a good company. These guys are acting like the rest of the nation ...

I'm a coward without a pack. I can be vicious, nasty, and dominating. But society keeps me on a short leash ... this is what I've been reduced to. I'm by far outnumbered.
I don't want a part of this. People look down on me when I say I don't vote, that I don't want a part of society. Noone seems to get that I didn't pick this life, that it isn't some universal responsibility that I have to fight for what is right. Fight for respect. I'm not built for that. I'm designed for instant gratification. I'm impulsive, I hunt, I solve problems on the fly. Immediate problems with immediate answers.

Once again I'm craving for an alpha. A role model, a successor, someone to learn from and look up to.

If I had someone to look up to, I could better judge how to respond to this situation. It feels like a game of multiple choice to me, life in general. I could have stopped the car, turned around, and decked my co-worker. I could have done a million different things. Which one is right? The one that best gets me my goals? Or maybe it's the one that is the easiest? Perhaps the one that's the most fun? ....

All this goes through my mind, as I wrestle with which emotion I should feel. I can see different justifications for each path, but they're all vastly different.

I've been having to do this all my life. Choose.

Anyone who has ever roleplayed someone who was very different than themselves might have a clue of what living my life is like. There's your initial reaction, and then there's your translated reaction.

I doubt my co-workers would react well to growling, to eye contact.

And in all this, I'm brainwashing myself. I'm getting better at adapting, I'm losing the wolf that I started out being.

I sorely miss the days of being a kid. When I could run around on all fours, stick a pillow between my legs so it would wag like a tail. During the days when I could be myself, and everyone thought it was a game ... and it wasn't a game to me, because I didn't know any better. Because I didn't think I was any different than everyone else.

At about the age of puberty, the cold realization set in ... it might have set in sooner. But I can remember the thoughts pretty clearly ... and I've been 'on the run' ever since.

And.. heh. That people doubt me. Write me off. Heh. Products of their own self loathing. I know all about that ... and I know all about what it entails.

I don't have to prove anything to them. I don't have to fit their niche, I don't have to fit their labels. The respect they offer is like a candle luring a moth. You surround yourself with it and then you notice you're on fire and that it's actually hurting you.
- Keman


( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 26th, 2005 08:01 pm (UTC)
Surprisingly, one of my cow-orkers coined "When two homosexuals can walk down the street holding hands, and I'm not even in the gay section.. that will be a sad, sad day indeed." ...

Another piped up, saying that it was fine so long as we could make fun of them. "That's my coping mechanism. So long as I can make fun of them, I'm fine with it."

My coping mechanism is wanting to kill people like your bigoted co-workers.
Apr. 26th, 2005 08:17 pm (UTC)
By my measure, they're not even *that* bigoted. They're only mildly so. I'd rather target the extremists. The ones that want to kill me.

- Keman
Apr. 26th, 2005 08:20 pm (UTC)
A bigot is anyone who doesn't want to kill the ones who want to kill you.

I don't mean that I WILL kill these people. I'm a pacifist, I don't do shit like that.
Apr. 26th, 2005 09:06 pm (UTC)
Sticky Situations
I guess the question is whether they're actively homophobic or just BS'ing.

If you think they at least value you as a person, quietly speaking with them about it couldn't hurt. If someone said something like that in my car I might have replied with "Yeah, I'm gay, now shut the hell up." I would have kept the tone friendly enough as long as they did.

OTOH, if they are acitvely homophobic...well, that sucks. I have the luck to work in a company where at least one co-worker is gay and in a civil union and, while he doesn't make waves, he doesn't hide it either.
Apr. 26th, 2005 09:22 pm (UTC)
Re: Sticky Situations
Their value of me as a person is definitely subject to who I am.

The cow-orker in question is definitely slightly homophobic. The other gay cow-orker (a furry friend of mine) here at the office and I have discussed this in the past, and the conclusion we came to is that if you came out in this particular company, you'd probably get fired from it in short order. So it is definitely not worth risking it.

There are enough people in upper management who are homophobes that it would happen either through a "poor performance" lie, or just a flat out "Hey, you're gay, you came out in this workplace, you created drama, and it isn't welcome in this company, so... you're fired." .. and virginia law would back it up, since it's not illegal to discriminate sexual orientation in this god forsaken state.

Since religion is the foundation for which this discrimination takes place, this country is nothing more than a crock of bullshit. A great steaming pile of hypocrisy. Our founding fathers formed this country to get AWAY from this bullshit. And here we are again. So quickly we forget.

I'm REALLY looking forward to hearing and witnessing the impact of the new pope.

- Keman
Apr. 27th, 2005 03:36 am (UTC)
i think a good deal of that is what people think is expected of them by scoiety. assuming that it is the statis quoe, accepted behavior. just the same as it would be to oggle at large brested women. nither should really be publically tollerated. but it seems to be the statis quoe. in your situation i think i would have said something. not something as extream, as "hey, im gay and that offends me" but just an easy reminding like "hey now, there is no need for that" i think youll find after a couple times of reminding people that you dont tollerate that stuff in your presence, they will not bring it up any further. will it change the way they think? probably not. but it keeps it from becoming a personal political disscution, which americans seem to have picked up as a hobby, allong with this morality trip we seem to be on.
more food for thought
Apr. 27th, 2005 01:54 pm (UTC)
Had dat happen before with a fellow in the barracks. I told him the only people who have to cope are gaywads 'n we wrestled some.
Apr. 27th, 2005 04:36 pm (UTC)
That's pathetic.

- Keman
Apr. 27th, 2005 04:45 pm (UTC)
It was kinda fun, he was cute. Not that I'd tell him, he's insufferable.
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )


Galen Wolffit

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