I don't ask for money, I hardly ever ask for favors. I give .. and I give.. I break my ass for them sometimes. This weekend, I'm flying to Michigan to drive my friends tow rig to TN, where I'll be sweating my ass off crew chiefing for him to keep his race car competitive in the race the whole weekend. It sounds fun but it's a lot more work than I like to do. At least 50% of the reason I'm going through with it is because my friend needs me.
Not long ago I decided to open up on my spirituality with some of my friends. To say that's been a mistake would be an understatement. No ... it's one thing to disagree. Hey, to each his own. And to be honest, I can handle criticism. I certainly criticise myself enough that I can take it. But.
I'm getting pretty tired of the .. not just rejection, but out and out oppression, that some of my friends have been giving me. I played nice, I respected other peoples identities, I respected other peoples religions. Not enough that I'd adopt those values myself, but enough that I wouldn't consider trying to change them. Certainly enough not to label them as problems.
So I'm allowed to believe that the world was created by an all powerful deity, and that His efforts continue to influence the world around us in our daily lives ... but .. oh no. I can't possibly base my beliefs on say.. what I've been attracted to since birth. What I'm drawn to. What feels right, to me. What I see myself as and what I want to be.
In the past, I've found desperation in trying to find material evidence to back up my beliefs.
I was really happy the day I realized that and put those thoughts aside because it's *ok* to have faith in your beliefs, faith and hope is what makes our entire society so unique- dare I say strong.
But it seems.. I'm struggling to find it again! Why this time? Out of desperation for my "friends" acceptance.
No .. I'm not playing that game anymore. I'm ashamed it took me this long to realize I was.
And I WILL be strong enough to live without those 'friends' ... tough as it may sound, I'm weaker living with them, so why the fuck should I do otherwise?
No names listed, they may not even read my journal -- I'm not writing this for them to read.