Galen Wolffit (wolffit) wrote,
Galen Wolffit

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my turn...

So Galen and I had a bit of an argument this evening. Quite an argument. That involved him walking off and me thinking "Well that's that... c-ya.." I was very worried that he was walking off and like.. driving away, and not coming back. We've since discussed this at great length, and worked it out, mostly. Concepts like "Just shut up and go along with conversation instead of interjecting every time you feel what someone is saying is wrong" were tossed around. And no, I won't elaborate. In the past I'd be all hot to trot to convince people to see things my way and/or discredit that who I'm arguing with etc. Honestly, I really don't care about that anymore. Blame it all on me if you have to. It's funny, as skilled as I am at human psychology, there are still blatant issues that stare me in the face and I'm completely unable to solve them, even if they're identified. You can't change someone. And you can't change yourself. Not without a lot of effort, and even then .. it really doesn't happen with anything near the speed necessary to "solve" the problem. Obviously it varies from issue to issue. But ours was/is pretty severe.

So. Yeah. A bed of roses our relationship is not. Good to get that out of the way for anyone who thought we were too picturesque to be realistic.

My biggest problem is that I've got enough other things on my mind... ranging from my family whom I don't want to talk to- who thinks the world of me yet I play this absolute two-faced liar with them because they'll never see me or accept me for what I am, my spirituality which defies reality, and my sex life which defies even me. All this just makes me take a step back, and really handle just about any issue "rationally" ... though I should use the term "handle" loosely. TBH I don't handle it, so much as just view it with a numb, empty feeling. Kinda like things are so bad already, like any of this really matters? I can laugh at the worst things, because I've got this black hole in my head that when compared to whatever it is, makes it nothing near as bad. And that's really not healthy, carrying that burden.

But that's the other realization I made tonight.I blame a lot on my life, the cards I've been dealt. It's a lot of self pity, that really doesn't get me anywhere. Again, this falls under the problem identified but not being easy to solve category. Just because I see it really doesn't help. To me I want the problems to go away by being solved. If that can't happen then I have to accept that they wont? I've defaulted to the latter, what choice do I have? And that doesn't solve the problem. I could discuss it and discuss it and reach the point of motivation for why the problem exists, and perhaps eliminate that motivation. But. Lets be honest here. It doesn't matter why Werewolves turn me on. I can't change that. It doesn't matter that little else does. It doesn't matter when it came about, or who's responsible, or what it could mean, or anything. The end result is not negotiable. So I just bottle it up and shrug. Maybe shed a tear listening to particular songs, howl some of my own, and carry on for whatever purpose this life has or whatever lack thereof.

All that I ask is that I don't get another reality check. My perspective on things changes so easily, it's like fate has to toss bad things my way on a constant basis to keep me appreciating what I've got, or the worst- what I once had. I'm really, really, not interested in the not-realizing-what-you-got-till-it's-gone experience.

I'm so beyond lucky on most things that people would never believe me if I told them everything that's happened so far. Because of that, I've got a long way to fall if I do.

Ohwell. It's late. I hope tomorrow is a snow day. I just for once wanna go to sleep and wake up with it all better.

- Keman
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