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This post contains a window into my emotional state. If you're not interested, please feel free to skip. If you are a friend, please feel free to read.

The trip home from Anthrocon was, alas, eventful. About 1/4 mile out of Virginia, on rt 15, the road starts getting really rough... only it's not the road. I pull over to check my tires, and see that the left rear tire is going very flat. Seeing that there is a gas station up ahead, I get back in the car and limp it there, hoping to be able to get the flat fixed. Unfortunately, the gas station there does not have a service station, or even an air pump. The spare tire is also flat, and sitting in my backyard at home where it does me no good. I had this odd feeling before the con that something was gonna happen and I should get the spare fixed, but I ignored it.

I called American Express to get roadside assistance. They cover the first $50 of the tow charge. It's 5:30pm, shops are about to close, and I have to get Yurii to the airport and other Yuri home. At some point during this, Yurii finds out his flight is 2 hours delayed, and I find out his flight is actually out of DCA instead of IAD. At some point later, we find out that his flight is cancelled and he's on a 6am flight out of DCA. At some other point, probably between those two, I give up on getting a tow right away due to unavailability of a flatbed truck (my car is AWD), and we get a cab to the airport to rent a car. I drive back up to Point of Rocks MD where my car is, we transfer all the luggage including a shitton of fireworks, and head back into VA. Since Yurii's flight is cancelled, we head around the beltway to Silver Spring to drop other Yuri off at home. By this point it's 9pm. We stop for dinner, drop other Yuri off, and head back to my place for the night. I check on some work things, get to bed around 11:30, and wake up at 3:45am to get Yurii to the airport.

Tuesday morning, after dropping Yurii off at the airport, I head home, grab the flat spare, head back up to Point of Rocks, wait for Amex to send out a tow truck, follow the truck to the tire place in Leesburg, order 5 new tires, go back to the airport, drop off the rental, go back to Leesburg and get a cheaper and more convenient car rental, and head to work.

Wednesday afternoon, I head back to Leesburg, drop off the rental, get a ride to the tire place, and pick up my car.

The above summary is somewhat disjointed because my brain was kinda fried by the whole thing. I'm not all that thrilled with how I handled the situation, from the start. Shouldn't have gone on a road trip without having first fixed the spare. Should have dealt with getting the tow, rental, etc. better. Wasted a lot of time going back and forth, probably annoyed two Yuri[i]s, etc. Should have done lots of things differently, woulda made it a less annoying, less frustrating, less depressing, less bad situation.

Having to deal with all that on the way back from AC, on top of PCD, on top of my existing mental/emotional state, etc. almost overwhelmed me. I almost broke down.

I think I could use some good friends, right about now.



( 26 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 3rd, 2008 12:08 am (UTC)
Jul. 3rd, 2008 12:09 am (UTC)
I had a good friend at Anthrocon. I had no idea you were going, too. I hope it was fun, stressful return aside.
Jul. 3rd, 2008 01:09 am (UTC)
Oh yeah? Who? Davin?
Jul. 3rd, 2008 01:35 am (UTC)
Toonces. See below. He did stand-up at open mic night, too. :-)
Jul. 3rd, 2008 01:39 am (UTC)
PS: Who's Davin?
Jul. 3rd, 2008 03:03 pm (UTC)
He's a fur who a few members of the lodge know independantly. I was just guessing.
Jul. 3rd, 2008 12:13 am (UTC)
If it makes you feel any better I wrecked my car on the way home from AC.

And if it makes you laugh, just look at who my character is. =D
Jul. 3rd, 2008 03:52 am (UTC)
Awww, how cute! A kitty cat!

So, how do you know my friends Wolffit and Iconoclast? Do I want to like add you?
Jul. 3rd, 2008 03:04 pm (UTC)
We don't know each other, yet.
Jul. 3rd, 2008 03:03 pm (UTC)
Hmm, so when are we gonna meet?
Jul. 3rd, 2008 12:49 am (UTC)
Umm, like, where is the window into your feelings and emotional state?

All that factual material, and then all we get for "insight" is "Should have done lots of things differently, woulda made it a less annoying, less frustrating, less depressing, less bad situation. Having to deal with all that on the way back from AC, on top of PCD, on top of my existing mental/emotional state, etc. almost overwhelmed me. I almost broke down."—that's very matter of fact, and doesn't really express your feelings or the reasons therefor.

By the way, if you ever get stuck again, you can always call me and I can rent a Zipcar and come fetch you.

And, in the meantime, you can always call if you want to go out for a drink or something and talk about things.
Jul. 3rd, 2008 03:07 pm (UTC)
How does that not express my feelings or the reasons therefor? That's a serious question, I might be completely disconnected!

And it would have taken longer and probably cost just as much, to get a zipcar all the way out to Point of Rocks, from DC. thanks for the offer tho.
Jul. 3rd, 2008 03:16 pm (UTC)
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html is one attempt that someone had.

The way you're describing it, though, is in that toneless, emotionless voice that a PTSD survivor uses, to try to describe the experience without triggering a flashback.
Jul. 4th, 2008 12:06 pm (UTC)
Okay, what is the backstory here? What has you feeling emotionally volatile?

When I look at your original post, I see a report of events that could just as easily fall into the category of "LOL...this is what I did this weekend....LOL." You went to a convention. Normal. You took friends to the airport. Normal. You had flat tire issues. Normal. You should have made sure the spare worked but didn't. Normal. You dealt with the problem. Normal. The events were annoying/frustrating. Normal. Lots of people experience similar events.

Then you make two comments in your summary statement I don't understand: "on top of PCD" (what's that?) and "on top of my existing mental/emotional state" (which is?). There's nothing in his post or your past several posts to explain these things.

Are you just being emo about not being perfect or prescient? Are you "what if-fing"? Is this all some kind of misplaced guilt?

So, assuming we knew why you were feeling particularly emotional, what were you thinking? Specifically. How did that make you feel? What do you mean "almost broke down? How does that make you feel? How did you deal with these feelings at the time?

It's a start to discuss emotions by recognizing their existence: "I feel sad," for example. Many people can't get *that* far. But then the next step is cause and effect. What do you think caused you to feel sad? If those events are "routine," why did they cause you to feel that emotion? If you say the cause is, "I had a flat tire," that does not logically follow, because I would expect the emotional response to be "I feel angry." So, why, "I feel sad"? Then, how does "sad" make you feel, more specifically? Analyze your emotions in retrospect. Is it still sadness? Was it embarrassment, fear, or disgust? Was it anger? You know, one of the most common problems of homosexual males experiencing clinical depression symptoms is the inability to recognize and express anger. And, in all of this, you never describe how your two travel companions reacted. What is your relationship to these people? Were they helpful? Were they punitive? Were they supportive?

Now, you don't need to write a novel to express your feelings, but do you see now how you made a news report and then a little throw-away "I had Emotion X and it made me feel emo" comment? It's just a factual statement, not a window giving us insight into your soul.
Jul. 3rd, 2008 01:25 am (UTC)
Dude. I'm so sorry; that does indeed sound frustrating and depressing. Are you able to spend a bit of time outdoors sometime soon? YMMV, but I find that helpful.
Jul. 3rd, 2008 03:17 am (UTC)
Heya.. we haven't really talked much since we got acquainted.. for what it's worth, though, I'm sorry to hear about your problems.

Wish I knew you were going to AC.. I couldn't afford to go this year anyway, maybe next time we could work out something. Who knows.

Anyway. Hope your luck and mood get better, friend.
Jul. 3rd, 2008 03:40 am (UTC)
Sorry to say I just went out of state myself :( Would love to do dinner when I'm back next week, though, if you like!
Jul. 3rd, 2008 05:34 am (UTC)
sorry life decided to kick at you. :-\ never any fun.

haven't seen you in ages - we should get together sometime. :)
Jul. 3rd, 2008 03:07 pm (UTC)
Re: *hugs*
We should.
Jul. 3rd, 2008 06:17 am (UTC)
*stealth hug*
Jul. 3rd, 2008 03:07 pm (UTC)
*stealth eep*
Jul. 3rd, 2008 07:12 am (UTC)
Hey... I understand that your debriefing is pointing you to "OMG YOU SHOULD HAVE HANDLED IT BETTER"... but your debriefing is ignoring one thing:

You handled it.

Sure, you might have done things a bit differently, chosen different paths, chosen different actions -- but the fact is, you did manage to handle the situation. For someone who's already having ementotional issues plus PCD, you did something I'd have a major problem with.

You /didn't/ break down. You /did/ pull yourself together, and deal with it.

Instead of focusing on the negatives... maybe you should look at the positives, huh?
Jul. 3rd, 2008 03:10 pm (UTC)
Yeah I handled it. barely. I didn't break down, but I nearly did, and I'd rather not get that close again. Once the breakdown occurs, it's exponentially harder to recover.
Jul. 3rd, 2008 03:22 pm (UTC)
I understand. I understand far, far too well (one might even be able to say that I empathize, rather than simply sympathize).

The point that I'm making is this: yes, you nearly broke down, and yes, it was a near thing. But take your victories where you can -- you /didn't/ break down. You /did/ handle it. You /did/ keep it together, and managed to work through the situation against nearly insurmountable forces.

I'd be willing to bet that you wouldn't have been able to do this 'before'... before learning coping strategies that work, before learning as much as you have about how to survive extreme pressures.

There are other things that you can do, too -- they're not all that easy to get ingrained as automatic stress-responses, but I'm getting better at them, and they do work.
Jul. 3rd, 2008 03:24 pm (UTC)
If it hadn't gotten so close, I wouldn't have bothered posting about it (except maybe as an addendum to a con report).

If I had broken down, I wouldn't have been able to post about it.

I don't know if I'm getting better, or worse. That's the scary thing.
Jul. 4th, 2008 07:59 pm (UTC)
( 26 comments — Leave a comment )