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memorable weekend

Didn't even know it was memorial day, nor that I had it off, until Galen told me so on sunday morning. I fired up my work laptop and checked the holiday schedule for 2006. Sure enough, I had monday off.

Bikercheetah is all moved in to our third bedroom upstairs. He's certainly a nice enough fellow. Clean, quiet, responsible, and upbeat. The sort of attributes that come very rarely in people to live with. I can't offer such perfection in exchange, but I can offer respect. I painted his room over the weekend/week, wired in matching new outlets, cleaned out a closet in the basement, and purchased a (smaller than I remember them being) outdoor shed of the rubbermaid variety to put out back for his car stuff. Those three areas are his to use as he desires so long as he lives here.

On friday I decided to try a change in my meds, as I realized I've not been off of stimulant based ADD meds in over 6 years. In an attempt to get in touch with what used to be a rather affectionate side, I quit adderall cold turkey. For a day. And then I realized why I was on it to begin with. And I started wondering how I would hold down a job. It wasn't long before I saw the error in this plan. Gradual tapering or completely off, it's just going to generate more problems than solve. While I -remember- being affectionate with phyxis prior to being on meds, I'm not really sure if it was more than I am now. Also, there's a lot of behavior that I have which I'd like to blame on my meds, but when I really think about it ... I had it all before I was on them. The meds only make it "worse" in that they let me choose what I'm paying attention to. A good analogy would be that the meds give me a greater sense of taste, but I still dislike certain flavors just as much. If not moreso now that I can "taste" them easier.

I've been dealing with a challenging issue- If I'm gaining in awareness and understanding of myself, it is apparent to me that I am making more mistakes over time. This is purely perceptual, yet it erodes my confidence. For instance, cars seem harder for me to work on today than they did 5 years ago. Yet today I never hear the sound of tools sliding over my roof and landing on the street corner as I drive, having left them up there on accident. My cars tend not to spontaneously throw things off the engine and leave me stranded on the side of the road, because I don't forget to tighten stuff up anymore. Things seem harder and more complicated, but it's only my awareness of the mistakes that I make.

Still, it's little comfort. There's enough other challenges going on in my life that aren't so logical. And I'm not perfect, my 'advancement' in life isn't always forward. Sometimes it is backwards. So I can't just turn a blind eye to everything that seems to be getting worse, because some things really are. As much as Galen would like for me to "simply" rely on his perception, I think he is more and more realizing that his is as skewed as mine. I love him for the effort he puts into things. He is truely my equal. And that's a first.

- Keman

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
pathia
May. 30th, 2006 05:05 pm (UTC)
Have you tried Straterra? It's a non-stimulant ADD med.
kemanorel
May. 30th, 2006 05:47 pm (UTC)
I'd rather not have the sexual dysfunction that goes along with it's questionable affectiveness.

For some people it works GREAT. For many, it doesn't.

For most guys, it does anything from making it impossible to get erect, to causing severe pain during and after orgasm.

For some guys, those side effects NEVER go away. Even after they've stopped taking it.

So. No, to strattara.

I hear it's euphoria sure feels good for the first few months ...
kemanorel
May. 30th, 2006 05:52 pm (UTC)
FYI, the meds that I have tried with varying amounts of success and failure:

Non stim:
Wellbutrin
Wellbutrin SR
Wellbutrin XR

Stim:
Ritalin
Concerta
Dexadrine
Adderall
Adderall XR

Adderall has produced the greatest amount of focus for the longest period of time, with the least amount of sickyness.

I'm going to discuss adding a mood stabilizer with my doc when I next see him.
bikercheetah
May. 30th, 2006 10:36 pm (UTC)
Why thank you, Keman. I have to say that you and Galen have done a great deal for me, accomidating my extra stuff as well repainting the entire room. I wouldn't know anyone like that would do such a great amount of work for one person. It speaks highly of your character. Thank you. If I can repay you guys in anyway, let me know.
hastka
Jun. 1st, 2006 02:37 am (UTC)
Clean, quiet, responsible, upbeat, and... furry? Are you sure?
hastka
Jun. 1st, 2006 03:37 pm (UTC)
Oh, I was also going to mention... I've experienced the same thing regarding things becoming more difficult. I think that it's just that you become increasingly aware of things, and increasingly experienced, so you tend to weigh everything against this increasing volume of information -- at least I think that's how it works with me.

Plus, strange though this may sound, I think the way we experience "impossibility" also changes over the years. For example, it used to be that I literally would be unable to do some things (calculus comes to mind), but I'd think I could slog through it, whereas now I'm pretty good at being able to tell what I don't know, and it just causes me an entirely different "feeling."

So things aren't hard, we just: 1) perceive them differently, and 2) hold ourselves to higher standards, brough about by greater knowledge.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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wolffit
Galen Wolffit

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