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Annoy, annoy, annoy.

Ok, rant #2 ...

My mom calls. "You don't call us anymore..."

Ok, FFS ... I'm reaching my limit for how often I hear that. I've moved my massive beam of analysis to this problem and pondered it for a while.

In short, there seems to be some disconnection with the concept that someone can be A. Thoughtful, caring, respectful. and at the same time B. Unable to be reached most of the time. and finally C. Rarely if ever calls.

Now, the truth is I don't enjoy talking to my parents. A lot of my life is hidden from them, and talking with anyone without being myself means I go into "emulation" mode, and like any emulator .. it isn't efficient, it takes resources, and often has bugs. Point is, I don't like doing it. And no, telling my parents that I'm a gay Werewolf is not gonna happen. They know I'm gay, it took them about 6 years to get over that and believe me, those that know my story of what happened when I did come out will probably never forget it. Some friends are amazed I will even talk to my parents after what they did to me.

So. Anyhow. I've got this great defense mechanism to problems like this. It's called ADD. I just.. stop thinking about it and WOOSH ... it falls off the stack and I don't think about it again for weeks, months, years.

If only it were so nice. Yeah, it's convenient. But what about when I actually /want/ to put forth the effort to talk to someone who I don't enjoy talking to, just out of respect, ie: like my parents. Afterall, I *am* caring, I *am* respectful of others emotions, and I *do* appreciate what positive things they've done for me.
Well we'll just turn this ADD thing off-- ohwait. I can't do that.

I guess I'm just a selfish bastard who thinks only about himself. :/

Comments

( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
doniago
Dec. 14th, 2004 05:06 pm (UTC)
Sticky Friendship Situations
I'm always curious to hear a coming-out story, but I'm not sure I should ask in this case.

I've had (and sometimes taken) issue with people who would tell me they care but never put a foot forward. Heck, that's becoming a bit of a theme in my LJ.

I don't like hearing someone tell me they care when they never express it beyond words. It suggests to me that they're willing to pay the concept lip-service, and that's about it. And sometimes, at that point, it's best not to have said it at all. That leads to two scenarios-

a) You stop saying you care. Well, don't expect me to think you do then. Heh.

b) You say you care but still don't show it. Naturally I tend to say "Well, why don't you do something about it, then?"

Perhaps I do my friends a disservice by not trusting words alone, but I could argue they do me a disservice by not putting much into the friendship.

It sucks, basically.

Lately I've been talking with a few people about people who are just too busy to be making new friends, and while it sure wouldn't be fun, I do think there's something to said for just saying "I like you a lot. But I'm really not in a place where I can be a decent friend for you. I'll let you know if that changes."

Did I ramble too much?
wolffit
Dec. 14th, 2004 06:08 pm (UTC)
Re: Sticky Friendship Situations
"I like you a lot, but I'm really not in a place where I can be a decent son for you. I'll let you know when I need parents again."

Doesn't quite work. :-)
doniago
Dec. 14th, 2004 07:41 pm (UTC)
Re: Sticky Friendship Situations
Actually, there've been times where I told my parents I needed some distance from them. I doubt it would have worked if I _lived_ with them at the time, but I didn't, so it's a moot point.

I've also had times (most notably when I came out to them) where I asked to leave a message on their machine because I didn't want to talk directly with them.
wolffit
Dec. 14th, 2004 06:44 pm (UTC)
Re: Sticky Friendship Situations
Interesting.

It makes me ponder- what do you seek to gain from your friendships?

We are all different, and how we express friendship, love, hatred, and other things can vary widely. Perhaps your friends aren't giving you the satisfaction or level of comittment that you prefer ... but in those cases I wouldn't hold it against them. Like the song goes "If everybody looked the same we'd get tired of looking at each other."

Now, that being said there are certainly shallow friends that can exist, who put on the front that they like you but don't follow up. In those cases, do whatever comes to mind. Just be careful. Look at the times that you DO interact for long periods of time the most, and judge only then.

That's where I shine. Everyone knows (or should know) that when I do actually get around to spending time with them, it's anything but shallow. I earn respect and I earn trust and am willing to do whatever it takes to get it.

Unfortunately I have lots of "bright shinys" in my life. Every single one of them makes me go "Oh hey check that out." ... and what I was doing prior, or who I was interacting with prior ... ceases to exist. The only exceptions are the few people who I (invountarily) interact with on a 1 on 1 basis.

On this I know I'm not unique ... so listen to what your friends say and compare it with what your real interactions are like.

- Keman
doniago
Dec. 14th, 2004 07:53 pm (UTC)
Re: Sticky Friendship Situations
It makes me ponder- what do you seek to gain from your friendships?

What any person would, I think... It should be noted that it takes a while to gain the status of friend, and almost everyone I know online hasn't achieved that status. In fact, nobody whose contact with me is limited to the point where I've never even heard their voice qualifies.
An interest in me beyond common interests. There's major problems with my local "friends" in this regard. The only times I see almost any of them are at SCA-related gatherings. That's not friendship. Friendship is when you hang out with someone because you WANT TO HANG OUT WITH THEM.
While my friendships can survive no contact for an indefinite amount of time, often it does strain and weaken the friendship especially if the absence came without warning. Yes, life happens, but the amount of energy required to say hello is insignificant.
I'm reminded of when I got upset with a number of furs post-AC because the most I'd gotten from them was a hi (of course, these are people where AC was the _only_ time I saw them), and in a fit of pique I went about mathematically proving that spending, say an hour, with someone at a con was not a major investment of time.
There's the little things too- trust, loyalty (to a point), the ability to hold my interest, etc.
When I know someone is online frequently, and they both claim they care and _opt_ to almost never speak with me- I don't buy that they're a friend.
I admit that while I try to acknowledge people for who they are, it can be damn difficult to show equanimity to someone who claimed you could count on them and then showed they couldn't. I have a real button for people who make promises that they can't (or worse, won't) live up to.

(smile) I don't know you well enough to speak on how you socialize, though it's cool that you're engaging in this depth of conversation with a virtual stranger.

I have trouble getting along with the people who always go after the bright shineys, honestly. They often get classed as the people with too many friends (provided the bright shineys are people). I've had it happen, and I seriously dislike it, that I'll be in the middle of talking with someone about something that matters to me, and someone they recognize will come up and initiate a conversation _on top of mine_, and anything I was saying gets blown to the side. Gee, thanks. I don't know whether this would qualify as a matter of respect, but I do know that when I talk with someone I really need on some level to feel that I've engaged them. One reason why I prefer private conversations I suppose.
wolffit
Dec. 14th, 2004 06:54 pm (UTC)
Re: Sticky Friendship Situations
Ohyeah. As for the coming out story ... I'm not really in the mood to dredge up the details. Just imagine what happens when parents get told by a counseler that their gay kid can be made straight if they do X, X, and X. ...

It leaves emotional scars that never quite heal. A good example of this is my initial reaction to anyone trying to put what I determine to be grossly unreasonable control on my life- the knee-jerk reaction. Lash out at them? Psychologically beat the shit out of them? Physically beat the shit out of them? Control myself and work around it? Accept it? ... each emotion is there. Which is appropriate? Who is in the right, me or them? ... sometimes no matter what decision you make, you wish you made a different one afterwards. I've done all of the above at one point in time, and it's tough to say that any are wrong or right. So that's what a scar really is. A trace of something in the past which is ugly that cannot be forgotten and affects your decisions that you make today.
doniago
Dec. 14th, 2004 07:57 pm (UTC)
Re: Sticky Friendship Situations
Oh, that's always lovely way for it to be brought up...ouch...

I sort of know what you mean about controlling types (parents!). Over time, as my dependence on them has (generally) decreased, our relationship has imrpoved noticeably. There are extenuating circumstances there, but not having to ask them for things certainly helped.

I always thought the best part of this was when you weren't sure whether conscious decisions were being affected by your unconscious.

Then again, I've met people who claimed they were fully aware of their subconscious, which just made me roll my eyes.

I know something of scarring, though, predictably, I'm not usually keen on talking about it.

Anyway, this has been interesting and thought-provoking.
phyxis
Dec. 18th, 2004 06:01 am (UTC)
Re: Sticky Friendship Situations
It all started with this phone call, see...
aerowolf
Dec. 14th, 2004 08:55 pm (UTC)
A couple things...
First, did they ever apologize to you for that?

Second... why not put it on a calendar that emails you reminders? Do a once-per-month or so thing on it. That way, it's out of your ADD-induced dissociation, but you still get reminded of it when the time comes.
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )

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Galen Wolffit

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